Why is it important to not take things personally as a mom?
It is important to not take things personally as a mom. Have you ever got feedback from someone and they begin their sentence with “Don’t take this personally, but …” and the next thing you feel is hurt or anger?
As much as someone is trying to give us a heads up before delivering the ‘bad news’ that method never seem to work.
Now that we’re a mom, I discovered that ‘taking things personally’ has gotten to a whole new level, because we can be triggered by a mere misconduct from our baby.
And we will be negatively affected for the rest of the day, and turn our happy day into an unpleasant one.
Here’s a Ted Talk from a professional public speaker talking about how he stop taking things personally:
Here we are going to dive deep into why taking things personally ruins our day and ruins us, and why we want to be aware of it as a mom.
Below are the reasons why we need to catch ourselves if we take failures too personally as a mom.
1. You would go into victim mode
Generally, when we take something personally, it is usually triggered by something we are sensitive to, and when that happens we tend to fall into ‘victim’ mode.
And when we get into this space, our body and mind will operate from the space of fight or flight.
In our case, being aggressive or defensive as a mom, and we don’t want that to happen.
And if we start to operate from this space, our body-mind, and soul will also behave and respond to everything likewise.
Triggering our fight or flight mode is not a bad thing, it is our natural instinct and it is useful in protecting ourselves from real physical danger.
However when this mode is turned on all the time, when we’re not in imminent danger, it will easily take a toll on our energy level, patience, and sanity.
These will negatively impact how we conduct ourselves as a mom.
2. You will feel disempowered
When we take failure personally, we generally do not feel great about ourselves.
We may feel embarrassed,
All these feeling are difficult to keep us operating from the space of confidence.
Whatever action we take from there, we will either start doubting ourselves, and beating ourselves up.
And it is difficult to continue to do something well when we keep persecuting ourselves.
3. You will stay stagnant/stuck and no longer explore the topic further
One of the reasons why it is important to catch ourselves taking things too personally is because you will stay stuck if you dwell on it.
And usually when we get sensitive over something, we tend to dwell on it.
Why is dwelling on it bad?
This is because we will get stuck in a vicious cycle of negative talk in our head, and chances are, we would spiral deeper into the negative pit which is hard to get out of.
And most of the time, these negative talk only exist in your head. with the littlest advancement of events, you may blow it to out of proportion.
We want to avoid staying stuck on a trigger or dwell on it for too long.
and this lead to my next point…
4. You may react/respond regretfully
When we take failures personally as a mom, we will most likely respond in a way we will regret after because chances are, our response was way out of proportion because of the spiral and negative talk that has been building in our heads.
And we ended up hurting the loved one around us and feeling worst about ourselves from the failure that triggered this response.
I believe we all know this too well because we’re experiencing it all too frequently especially as moms.
5. It stops you from doing things differently
One of the reasons why we do not want to dwell on our mistakes for too long is because when we spiral deep into our negative self-talk, we are deterred from learning from our mistakes.
And when we avoid addressing our mistakes, we will not be able to respond or do things differently if a next similar triggering situation arise,
and therefore chances of the next my point happening is very high,
6. It stops you from personal growth
Here’s the next thing about taking things too personally when we fail.
When we avoid addressing our mistake and we dwell on it for too long, it does us no good because it also stops us from growing or learning from our mistakes.
and when that happens it leads to my next point…
7. You will get triggered by a similar situation again in the future
That we will get triggered in a similar situation again in the future and the unpleasant feeling that comes with this failure will always haunt you and cause you to behave and react regrettably like you always do.
Basically, in summary, if we do not catch ourselves taking things too personally when we fail as a mom, and dwell on it rather than deal with it, we will end up in a vicious cycle of negative self-talk -> regrettable reaction.
8. You will respond/take action out of guilt
This is probably one of the most common reaction most moms experience at one point in parenting.
Recently, I have tremendous guilt for sending my little girl to a playschool.
She leaves my arms crying. Her behavior has been a little more erratic than usual. and she has not yet adjusted to this new norm.
It was a hit for both of us. And I have to say I did not respond to her in a healthy way.
I gave in to her on everything she demanded when she’s home. It came to a point where I realize I was not parenting her, I was compensating her negative behavior by giving in to her tantrums.
I was doing all the same things I usually would but from the space of guilt. And it was doing us no good because her behavior persists and I was miserable.
Outcome if stop taking things personally
When we are able to catch ourselves taking failures too personally and tackle the situation from an objective point of view by removing our emotions from the equation, we can do wonders with ourselves.
1. We are able to handle the ‘failure’ rationally and not react out of proportion
Let’s face it, blowing a situation out of proportion has never helped any situation or anyone.
And it does not serve ourselves either, and oftentimes we get very consumed by our own insecurities.
As much as we are all not perfect, we don’t have to beat up ourselves about it.
When we can catch ourselves, it stops our negative thoughts in the tracks and gets back to the situation at hand. Rather than attaching meaning to that ‘failure’.
2. We are able to control primal reactions and behave differently than before
When we look at the situation objectively, we are able to handle it in a way that puts us in control. And not spiral out of control.
Here’s an example of reactions:
Taking failures personally:
- Blame self for whatever that happened,
- and feel terrible about self,
- spiral in your negative self-talk,
- to the point where it paralyzes you.
Taking failures objectively:
- Take in the situation and
- assess what went well and what went wrong,
- identify opportunities for improvement,
- take action on what can be done differently.
Now it is natural to behave both ways, and there’s nothing wrong with feeling our emotions, don’t deny your feelings.
I’m just pointing out that the first reaction puts us in a disempowering state (where we feel bad about ourselves),
and the second reaction puts us in an empowering state (where we are in control of a chaotic situation).
3. When stop taking personally, we are able to grow and move past issues that used to bother you, and be unstuck
When we stop taking failures personally, it allows us to learn from our mistakes,
grow from it,
and move past it.
This is something to look forward to because if something similar were to ever trigger us again, it will no longer bother you and you know what are the necessary steps to take to address the ‘failure’ or mistake.
You essentially have unlocked another path that has previously bothered you and now can move past it freely and easily.
Imagine how liberating that feels.
That’s what learning from our mistakes can do.
4. Able to learn new perspectives, gain new skills or knowledge. have a more enriched experience
And so, being able to move past our ‘failures’ and mistakes enriches us.
Imagine, every new obstacle you overcome gives you a new set of knowledge, skill, and perspective.
Every time you work through a failure made you ‘richer’ as a person, equipped with the tools, knowledge, skill to overcome the next challenge.
It is a beautiful thing.
But it is only beautiful when we make it intentional because it is through conscious action that we can retain what we learned.
5. Able to live freely and open to experimenting with new methods
When we have the ability to catch ourselves taking ‘failures’ personally, we learn what can be done and what can’t be done.
The knowledge of learning a particular boundary now creates a level of certainty, benchmark, standard that now you can see, which prior to such ‘failure’ or mistake, you did not know what it was.
Discovering boundaries creates freedom for an individual to experiment and explore.
6. When stop taking things personally, we feel happier as a mom despite ‘failures’ occurring on a daily basis
When we stop taking every failure personally, I’m sure you can imagine how much happier you’d feel when that stops, because that means you’re not feeling bad about yourself every other moment.
Feeling negative about ourselves is detrimental to our mental health.
Therefore identifying and addressing what’s making us feel bad is utmost important.
However I know it is easier said than done, but you get my point.
7. Able to parent effectively despite uncertain/out of the norm days
When we stop taking every failure personally or parent out of guilt, we are able to maintain positive rational energy, the kind of energy our child needs to calm or settle down.
Even if they don’t calm or settle down, they know that you have the positive energy they can rely upon for comfort and support when they are in their tumultuous state.
When I got my senses back and processed my guilt and came up with a new understanding of our current situation, I could parent from the empowered space one again.
You may learn more on how to stop taking personally on psychology today.